*Warning: This is a blog post about God—and some of you may not be comfortable with the idea of me blogging about anything remotely religious or spiritual—so I won’t expect you to agree with me, or much less read through the whole piece. But if you end up doing so, thank you. 🙂
I started going back to church around three months ago. It wasn’t the church I was “raised in”, and it wasn’t preceded by some earth-shaking event or accompanied by a thunderclap and a booming voice from heaven, but it was a very quiet series of stirrings and questions from the heart, mind, and soul that eventually led me there.
I’m a seeker and a journeyer, you see. Throughout my life I’ve found myself in places I’d never really expected myself to be in, all because I was searching for something, asking a lot of questions, and daring to follow my feet wherever they wanted to lead me. (For better or for worse, haha…)
One thing that attracted me to this particular church was the kind and quality of music that they shared, performed, and sung every week. (I live for music, so this kind of thing really matters a lot to me.) And on Christmas Eve, this was the music video that was played at the beginning of the service, to guide our personal reflections as well as the message that the pastor was to share that day:
I found myself very much moved by the combination of the music, the vocals, the words, and even the images and the typography in the video. I watched it several times over after that, and was struck by these two lines in particular:
“Light will chase and find us”
“Light will chase and find us.”
At many times throughout my life, I found myself in some very dark, lonely, confusing, and sometimes scary places. Some of them were situations I was thrown into at a very young age; others, I actually brought myself into, no thanks to a combination of stubbornness, pride, and just sheer stupidity. (We do that often enough to ourselves, don’t we?)
But every single time—you know that critical moment when you’re already on the verge of toppling over to utter despair?—light seeps through the cracks, slowly at first, until it just bursts in brightly and illuminates whatever dark corner you’re in, until everything becomes so clear you wonder why you never saw things that way in the first place. (#facepalm)
In each of those critical moments, I felt light chasing relentlessly after me, practically fighting and clawing its way to make sure I didn’t end up in the dark. Some of you might say, “Oh, but you’re a naturally sunny and positive person. Of course you’ll end up going where it’s bright and light!” But oh, dear friends, my life was never always that way, and—to quote a favorite Millennial expression—the struggle was real. And every single time, I always felt the light somehow fighting for me, bringing me back to a place of safety and peace.
If that light wasn’t God, it surely felt like a God-light.
“Love is facing us again”
And now, after years of facing it off with darkness, despair, and my own personal demons, I really, sincerely feel like Love is here, staring me in the face, telling me it’s been waiting for me all this time to just allow myself to receive it. (Or may I call it a “he”? It’s just more romantic that way. ;))
“I’ve always been just here, my beloved,” I can imagine Love telling me. “I’ve been knocking on your door for a very long time, but you had all sorts of excuses for not being ready to open the door. (You have trust issues; you’re scared; you’re trying to protect yourself; you’re still having so much fun; you still don’t know what you want; it’s just safer to play ‘for now’ and not let real love in yet. Yada, yada, yada…) Now, may I finally come in?”
And I am sheepishly opening the door, realizing that I’ve left Love just standing outside the door (in the snow and cold, for more dramatic effect, even if I live in a tropical country, haha…), and all He does when I open the door is give me the tightest, longest, sweetest hug ever. And I feel like I’m home.
Mind you, this is not romantic love we’re talking about. (Although that is a separate conversation between God and me, and He knows what I’m praying for.) This kind of Love I’m talking about is far greater than anything I’ve ever felt—ever. The funny thing about it, though, is that it doesn’t come with bells and whistles and notifications. There is no Facebook status saying, “You are now in a relationship with Love.” There is no lightning bolt lighting that spot where I’ll find it. Again, it was all in those quiet stirrings and questions and conversations-in-my-head-with-God where everything just unfolded.
And now Love is here, facing me, opening up His arms to me in the biggest, warmest embrace ever. And I’m embracing Him back. 🙂
CHRISTmas has, indeed, come. And I hope it stays here the whole year ’round. 🙂
Hope YOUR holiday season has been meaningful and blessed. O:)
P.S. Here’s another song that I love, introduced to me by one of my favorite people in the universe. (You know who you are, Tito Boyet! Haha :)) I love the declaration in the title, and I sure am claiming it for myself as well as for anyone who needs to feel Love in their lives right now. Hope you’ll like it!